So after careful consideration and a good long look at myself in the mirror, I decided I needed to get fit, maybe join a fitness club, walk a bit, really try and get into shape.
I thought this on January 1st, 2016, and its now 3rd March 2018, so it’s not like I’ve rushed the decision or anything.
I read in a magazine: ‘Make a list of what you have been eating recently’. Good advice, I thought to myself. That’s easy, I can make lists. So I wrote down what I had consumed that day apart from my general meals, the list was as follows: 3 packets salt and vinegar crisps, 3 Mars Bars, l Crunchie, a packet of Hobnobs, 2 McDonalds, – oh – and a Nectarine. So I decided to give up the Nectarine.
This is Day One, and giving up the Nectarine has actually empowered me, I feel better already, and to be honest, I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window, and I thought giving up the Nectarine has really made a difference.
Day Two I registered at a gym club. Strange people at gym clubs, they seem to run all the time, they run up to the equipment, (I haven’t tried the equipment yet as I don’t want to rush things) but I have tried the Café, and it seems very good. These same people run up to the reception desk to complain the equipment isn’t working properly, they run out the door to the car park to go home, then they run back because they have forgotten something, then finally they go.
The next big step was sorting out my keep fit gear. What should I wear? Problem solved when walking past the rack at Primark – I spotted a very nice pair of leggings with a matching top, – just the job, I thought. I go into the changing room, try the leggings on – bit tight – try a larger size – not much difference. So I persevered and got the leggings on by which time I was so worn out I needed a lie-down. I must have lost a lot of weight by now, I thought happily. By the time I have tied my shoelaces on my trainers, maybe I could skip going to the gym because surely this is quite enough exercise in itself.
Day Three, I decide a Power Walk is the way to go. I stride off all confident and pleased with myself only to get an enormous stitch, have to sit down and end up getting the bus home. I’d only gone to the end of my road, so that was a bit depressing. However, I reassured myself that this was probably my muscles powering up to my new regime.
Day Four. Start another Power Walk, only this time didn’t even get to the end of the road. Am now rolling on the grass with the most terrible cramp. Once again get the bus home, crawl in the front door, collapse on the sofa, and help myself to bag of cheese and onion crisps. I read somewhere that salt is good for cramp, so it’s just as well that I had these crisps at hand.
Day Five. Wake up and decide this is the day that I will try the equipment at the gym. A very nice chap gives me the rundown on how all the equipment works, I listen carefully, then decide well I’ve been here three-quarters of an hour now, perhaps it’s time for a coffee. Visit the café once again, where I get a very nice welcome from the bloke behind the counter. I think I’m going to like the gym. He asks me if I want cream on top of my hot chocolate, and I reply with witty repartee, “Is the Pope a Catholic” so he gets my drift immediately and loads my cup with not only loads of cream but marshmallows as well. I decide that this keeping fit lark is not as bad as I thought.
Day Six. Well, no point in overdoing things may take a break from Keep Fit for a day, it’s no good knocking myself out. Pace yourself, that’s my motto. I pace myself by ordering in a Chinese. Delicious.
Day Seven. Wondering if perhaps another day off may be the way to go, after all, it’s no good knocking myself out. “Just take it slowly ” I counsel myself, you know it makes sense.
Day Eight. Back at the gym. Fortunately, most of the equipment is broken, and there is only one treadmill working, and a long queue for that, so I decide to visit the Café again. Actually, there are quite a few stairs up to the café, so surely that counts as exercise. Once again I am treated like an old friend, and once again I order my favourite hot chocolate. BUT this time without cream or marshmallows. I can actually feel the weight dropping off. I am a goddess.
Day Nine. Decide to try one of the classes at the gym, Tai Chi. I walk in but people are doing very strange movements with their hands and legs. I was a tiny bit late as I was finishing my Wetherspoons Full English. Understandable of course. The Teacher beckons me in “ Just watch the others, you will soon get the idea of it all “ she says. I start to move my hands slowly as instructed and knock the bloke next to me glasses off his face. I apologise profusely. Fortunately, no harm done, they are not broken, he just moves to the row behind me as far away as he can get. I am now in full flow, I move my legs and arms in time to the instruction, am just getting fully into it, when I find I can’t straighten up. My back seems locked, I signal urgently to the teacher, who fortunately realises my predicament, comes behind me, and yanks me up straight. Phew, what a relief.
Decide Tai Chi not necessarily my thing, but at least I tried it.
Day Ten. Woke up with a sense of foreboding. Didn’t fancy a Power Walk, didn’t fancy the gym, definitely didn’t fancy Tai Chi. But what I did fancy was:
- 3 packets of crisps.
- A crunchie
- A mars bar
- Packet of Hobnobs
- A McDonalds
And sod it-, I’m having that Nectarine as well.