The word out of the United States of America is that President Donald Trump’s oft-maligned education system is having some unexpected positive results.
The unqualified, unintelligible Prince of Darkness has implemented some questionable policies during his time as Commander in Crucifixion, notably inserting Betsy Devos, a former janitorial intern at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort, as the Secretary of Education after she purchased the position at auction last year.
However, despite her incredible ineptitude and abhorrent moral code, it appears that the Terrible Tandem has been able to improve one area that had been plaguing American children for years. According to the Twitter feed of the Dictator of Dipshit, a new report shows that American children are getting ketchup out of the bottle without covering their knives in the sticky red sauce at the most efficient rate since the Reagan administration.
That’s right, the numbers from a recent double-blind study show that children are no longer being forced to maneuver their dull knives deep into the glass crevices where the delicious, sweet, low-viscosity condiment coagulates. The Authoritarian Anus highlighted “The Remargua – remarrtk – the remarc – the really, really great news” about how clean American knives are during his State of The Union address a few weeks back, before confirming it last night via his verified Twitter account.
No word yet on whether the plastic squeeze bottles were used during the study.