Culture Entertainment

Pulling the Plug on Opera

It's high time high society got in the bath

It’s not everyone who can afford to pay £150 for a ticket to The Royal Opera House, so I have come up with a brilliant idea.

For a very long time now I have thought what a wonderful voice I have while singing in the bath.  It’s very strange because once I step out of the bathroom, my voice changes and it resembles more of a foghorn, but whilst trying out Madame Butterfly in the bath the other morning, my voice was so beautiful I found myself sobbing at the mere brilliance of it.

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It doesn’t seem fair to keep it to myself, so instead of paying £150 for a ticket to hear Madame Butterfly, or indeed any other opera should you be that way inclined, I have decided to charge £2.50 for the masses to enjoy opera, an experience not many people are able to enjoy.

When I say “The Masses”, I can only actually fit three people at a time into my bathroom, so it’s a slight exaggeration, but I am willing to put on several performances a week,  and maybe do a matinee on a Saturday.

You will have to use your imagination a bit, the seating is unusual I must admit, but I think it adds to a very special experience, and anyway, what can you expect for £2.50.  One person can sit on the toilet (lid down of course), one can balance on my laundry basket, and another can be propped up by the sink.  I am actually sold out this week so I would advise you to pre-order your tickets quite early on.  The good thing is if anyone requires a drink you can just pop into the kitchen for a glass of water, something that could never be done at The Royal Opera House.

So the plan is I start with Madame Butterfly, then just when the senses are at their most heightened from the sheer beauty of it all, and my three audience members are ecstatic and begging for an encore, I wind it down a bit with some Gilbert and Sullivan, not Gilbert O’Sullivan, him who sang ‘Alone Again Naturally’ but the other ones, Gilbert and Sullivan the opera writers.

My modesty while sitting in the bath will be well preserved, I have a rather nice range of bath hats in varying colours, and I will be wearing a swimming costume at all times, so no nudity for those of a shy nature.  I will have to stop sometimes just to put some more hot water in the bath, but apart from that, it should be a seamless performance.

So – Opera for the masses is what I say (well, three people) come and enjoy a lifetime experience.

P.S. I have just had a cancellation, so there is a spare ticket going for this Thursday, will be putting it on eBay so look out for it.

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