Wind Will it Stop?

A big honking issue at Pilates is destroying Gladys' life

I would like to know what exactly is the etiquette involved when one is taking part in a Pilates Class and the lady standing to the left of you constantly breaks wind.

This has been going on for some time now, and the problem is that because she is next to me everybody seems to think that it’s me that is doing it. I have tried ignoring it, and last week when it happened I looked at her with a steely look in my eye, but she just looked away, and because I was making this steely looking face it sort of confirmed that it was actually me that had done it. It is so unfair.

My Pilates class takes place on a Monday, and you might say, well change your day and go on a Tuesday, but Tuesday is a very busy day as I have my stamp collecting day.  There was a bit of excitement this Tuesday because I thought  I had found a Penny Black, so took it to Sotheby’s to be identified, but they did, in fact, say, “No it’s not a Penny Black” it’s just a stamp that got caught down the back of your handbag and attached itself to an old Liquorice All Sort.  I was a bit disappointed I must say.

Anyway back to my busy week, so Tuesday is Stamp Collection day, Wednesday I go shopping, Thursday I have bell ringing, and Friday is Friday. Saturday and Sunday my Pilates class is closed, so you see Monday is the only day that I can go.  My question is how can I let everyone know it is NOT me breaking wind? It might seem a trivial thing to anyone else, but it’s actually taking over my life. I can no longer relax in my Pilates class, especially when the Teacher says, “Now breathe in”.

I think you get my drift.

Without confronting the old windbag next to me, how can I politely but firmly let her know that I know she is the guilty one.

Many thanks,

Gladys Arbuthnott

MO’NING Gladys!

Wow, that’s difficult. I imagine you’ve probably already considered getting the police involved? If that didn’t work, I suggest you go to The App Store (not one of the main ones) and give Shazam For Farts a download.

– Alan Canada