So I’m in Spoons the other day – decided to surprise my Mum for her 60th – when I’m up at the bar ordering my food. It hit me in the middle of my order that I completely forgot to ask her what she wanted so I shouted over to the other side of the restaurant to enquire what she might like. She shouted something like ‘I’m cold, it’s so drafty!’ And I’m all like ‘Shut up!’ Am I right! Anyway, she then shouts something about not having a menu so I grabbed one and threw it over to her. Well, and you of all people won’t believe this, Alan, but the wind caught that gliding menu and – my heart was in my throat – it was headed right for an innocent child! It was floating with such purposeful grace, Alan, my nerves were getting the better of me but I couldn’t help but be impressed. But then! Someone slammed the bathroom door and a sharp gust whipped around the room. The menu’s trajectory took a sudden upward turn – it completely missed the child! What a relief! But then – Christ, what are the chances – it dived truculently back down to Earth and slammed an even smaller child right in my head. His family are now saying they’re going to sue. Lay it out for me. Give me the bad news, Alan. Am I legally liable? Keep in mind that I have already moved to Azerbaijan in preparation for the news being something I might not like.
You certainly are in a jam. But you made a wise decision. Azerbaijan and the U.K have no extradition agreement, so unless that child belonged to Batman, you should be alright.
– Alan Canada